


Love Me (As I Am)

by ACR



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 14:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17246045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACR/pseuds/ACR
Summary: It's been over a year since the search for Glendower has ended, and the Gangsey reunite in Henrietta for Christmas. Adam and Ronan have been functioning mostly long distance, but their relationship is put to the test when Adams mom attempts reunification after leaving his father.Ronan & Adam POV, implied Henry/Blue/Gansey, implied Ronan/Kavinsky (in the past, obviously), lots of cute Mr. Grey/Maura. Explicitly bisexual Adam and explicitly gay Ronan. Papa Ronan & Opal. Lots of Hurt/Comfort. Trigger Warnings for discussions of general violence, domestic abuse, trauma, homophobia, and substance abuse.This is a loose follow up to my other fic, Where The Grief Goes, but you don't have to have read that one to follow this one.I have no idea how long this fic is gonna be, but we're doing it! Thanks for reading!





	1. Chapter One

Ronan had been waiting for winter break for three and a half months. He wanted to say he was patient, but the truth was, he wasn’t. He was very good at keeping busy, especially in the autumn when he had basically an entire farm to run himself, but now winter was biting at their heels he had to admit he had been becoming restless.

Adam had gone to school in the last weeks of August. The summer had been spent together, but also with everybody else, and now Ronan wished he had insisted on a bit more alone time. Three days before classes started he helped Adam pile his few belongings into the Honodoyota and the BMW and they drove the four hours up to the University of Pennsylvania campus. Adam had received a full ride scholarship for at least the first two years at UPenn, financial aid for dormitory living, and worked an on-campus job to pay for food and books. Ronan helped him unload, slipped a one-hundred dollar bill into Adams wallet when he wasn’t looking (since he didn’t start his job for another week after school started), complained about how small and cramped the dorm was, bought them dinner, and then went back home to a nearly empty Henrietta.

The week after that, Gansey, Blue, and Henry took off on their next adventure. Ronan declined all offers to join them. It was a combination of reasons; he wanted to be close to Adam, and they were investigating a place where several ley lines supposedly met near Lake Tahoe in California, too far and too hot for Ronan. Plus, he didn’t really want to leave the Barns so soon after coming to them again. And if he was being honest, he was very very tired of hunting for information on the ley line. Of course he wanted to be around to help and protect Gansey, but the mental labor required after everything they had been through this last year…

Well, he opted to stay. At least until Gansey could confirm any actual supernatural activity.

He kept busy. There was plenty to do restoring the Barns and in the upkeep of the animals. He’d spent the last month alone baling hay to keep the cows fed through the winter. But again, he was getting antsy. So when winter break finally came, he had to admit he was a bit thrilled.

Wednesday morning was Adam’s last final, then he was making the long drive from school to Henrietta in his piece of shit car. Ronan woke up early as he usually did, and then went outside to feed the chickens. He’d bought them last summer, and now they produced a good amount of eggs. The trees had long since shed their leaves and now poked up in black branches on the edges of the fields, among the lush green of the pine trees. It was brisk in the days and freezing at night, but it hadn’t actually snowed yet. As a result he still had some plants growing, though the plants themselves, Ronan couldn’t rule out were destined to survive anything, a creation of Niall Lynches brain.

After feeding chickens, he harvested what was left of the blackberries and cranberries where they grew along the fences and the gate. In the yard of the house he had a vegetable garden he’d been struggling with, and another round of potatoes and carrots looked about ready to pull, the day before he’d got a whole ton of onions. A nearby orchard still had a few apples to pluck as well.

The kitchen inside, as a result, was a mess. He kept what he could, but otherwise he regularly boxed up and took his fresh fruits and veggies to the people who needed it. He had a few empty and a few full little plastic containers that he was filling with washed blackberries, bags nearby of washed onions and potatoes, and boxes and boxes of apples. 

He’d also set aside a few of the fruits for himself, he wanted to experiment with jam making, something Calla had threatened to help him with.

He was working so hard washing fruits and vegetables that he nearly missed the text from Adam about finishing his final, and how he would be on the road within the hour. But he couldn’t miss the heavy hoof-fall of Opal and she made her way downstairs. She approached him at the table, wearing a big navy hoodie and a beanie and too-big jeans over her goat legs. For a moment she only watched him, so he didn’t look up or even acknowledge her. Finally, she spouted at him in latin.

“English, please.” He said in a mildly unfriendly way. It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand her demand, because he did, but that she’d been working on her English and needed the practice.

She scoffed, “Ronan. I want to go to Fox Way.”

“Not today,” He said, closing a box of blackberries and setting it aside to be washed.

“Why?” She glared at him. He returned the face with a frown.

“I have shit to do today I don’t have time to be carting you around town. And didn’t you go yesterday?”

“I haven’t gone since the Sunday. School.”

She wasn’t really in school, but Ronan had a tutor come pretty much daily to work on her with English, basic math, history. The idea was that next year she would be able to go to a real school, and be able to pass as a middle-schooler for a while. Since she didn’t actually age, it would be difficult past that. But he wanted her to learn as much as she could, and more importantly, to interact with kids or teachers or anyone but him.

So five days a week a private tutor came to catch her up with elementary school learning.

“Don’t you have school today?” He asked her.

“No! Winter break. She told you last week.”

He vaguely remembered having a passing conversation with Ms. Raina last week. Something about the importance of breaks, how she was going out of town, blah blah blah… He was often distracted talking to her because he didn’t really want to. She was a young thing, maybe twenty-five, trained specifically with working with developmentally delayed kids and he paid her a lot of money to be very discreet. As a result, every conversation with her ended in her flirting with him. Maybe to her, he looked like a hot young rich dad, and that was appealing. He didn’t have heart to tell her it was never going to happen.

“Right.” He grumbled.

“Can I go?” Opal shifted on her hooves.

“Did you do your chores?”

She hesitated, “I cleaned my room.”

“Did you milk the cows?”

She huffed angrily, “We don’t need milk!”

He sat back and gave her a firm look, “You know damn well if they don’t get milked they get antsy. While you’re out there you can let them out to pasture, too. If you do that I will take you to Fox Way, permitted they say you can come over.”

“Fine.” She groaned and left out through the back kitchen door. The pre-teen grumpy thing was something recent, something he was suspicious she had learned from a TV show. Part of facilitating her into normal life was letting her watch teen movies and modern sitcoms. As a result, she had picked up some lingo he didn’t fucking understand and an insufferable attitude. At first it drove him completely crazy, until Maura pointed out to him that if she was being that way towards him it meant she probably saw him as a father. It was a nice thought, but he had never really wanted to be a dad. Especially not to a perpetually preteen child.

He picked up his phone and rang the number to 300 Fox Way. He knew damn well that no one there had ever turned Opal away for a visit, especially since Maura was housebound now, but it was still polite to call. Ronan had been working on polite gestures, himself.

Two rings and then a familiar male voice answered; “Hello.”

“Dean,” Ronan seethed cockily. Now he no longer held hatred for the Grey man, he had replaced it with perpetual sass, “Is Maura around?”

He heard the sound of dishes clinking in the background. Someone had finally upgraded to at least a portable phone at the house, “She’s puking. What’s up?”

“Opal wants to come over today, I’m calling to make sure that’s acceptable.”

If the Grey man heard contempt in his voice, he didn’t waver, “I’m sure that’s fine. Calla’s out to work, and I’m leaving in a minute. If Opal can help her move around…”

Ronan didn’t need to consider it, “Of course.”

“Bring her over. I’m sure Maura will be excited.”

Ronan clicked shut his phone and stood up, taking the packaged raspberries over to the sink to wash them. 300 Fox Way was surprisingly empty these days, a lot of the women there had moved on during the chaos the previous year and had yet to come back, despite insistence that they would. Orla visited last summer, and the one with all the fuckin kids had been there visiting about a month ago when he came over, but none had stayed. As a result the Gray Man had moved in, and started helping with bills. He even got a normal job, he taught World History at Aglionby these days. A real step down from the pay as a hit-man, probably, but they never openly seemed to be struggling with money. Calla worked and, when they could, they still ran a psychic business on the side.

And now they were really going to need the money. Last Summer, right before Blue had left with Gansey, Maura announced suddenly that she was pregnant.

Blue had been shocked and not very pleased. Honestly, Maura and Mr. Grey didn’t seem very pleased either, it obviously hadn’t been something planned. But they were going through with it anyway. But Maura was in her late thirties, and the pregnancy had been fraught with challenges. So she had been told firmly by a doctor that she would need to be on bed rest for the remainder of this pregnancy.

So Opal kept her company, helped her get food and move around the house when she needed to, and in return Maura taught Opal how to read Tarot and all that black magic shit that Ronan still sort of considered bullshit. And since he knew money was probably tight, he paid the Gray Man for babysitting (because Maura wouldn’t take his money).

Ronan packed his car; if he was going out he may as well take some of this food where he needed to. There was a women's shelter in DC, and homeless shelters in DC and Richmond. It would take him a few hours, but it would be a while before Adam got there anyway.

When Opal came back from the barn, he looked at her, “Help me put these in the BMW, I’ve got a few places to go after I take you to Maura’s.”

She grinned at him and grabbed a box of apples off the table.

\--

Adam made it to the Barns by 2pm, and to his disdain, found it empty. The BMW was not in the driveway, so he called Ronans phone as he made his way up the porch.

It went to voicemail, but that was pretty normal for Ronan. He groaned as he pulled out his keys, wrestled with them until he found the house key Ronan had given him last summer. Ronan had been all casual about it, of course. Logical, even. Adam didn’t have a home away from school now, and if he needed to be somewhere outside of the dorms, the Barns was it. Adam had refused, a little embarrassed by the gesture. He still couldn’t remember how, but Ronan had convinced him to keep in just in case. He hadn’t needed it yet but there was a first time for everything.

The door came open easily. He set down his backpack and mentally debated going to get his duffle bag out of the car, before deciding he needed a break first. He had been up since six, getting in some last-minute studying before his World Religions and Politics finals. He wasn’t feeling super great about either of them, but even if he did sub-par he would end up with A’s in both classes. Low A’s, maybe, but they would still be A’s.

That’s a normal grade, he told himself, it’ll be fine. He was really hoping for good grades on the tests anyway. Ronan told him he was anal retentive, but the way he saw it, if he couldn’t get perfect grades the first semester of college what chance did he stand next semester? Next year? How about year three, when everything got exponentially harder?

He sighed and slumped into the kitchen. On the counter was a box of apples and several containers of cranberries and what looked like blackberries. It was an odd sight, especially when Adam paired it with the image of Ronan picking them. Farm-boy Ronan, plucking apples daintily from a tree. The image made his brain short circuit and he had to look away.

He went through the kitchen and out the back porch to look over the Barns. Ronan had been restoring the area since last summer. He’d repaired the roofing and the stairs of this porch, once totally unusable, and put a swinging chair here. Adam sat down at it. The yard around him was neatly cut, but mostly brown and yellow now it was December. A vegetable garden sat at the far left edge of the yard, a chicken coop on the far right, all of it fenced in to hold it off from the overgrown pastures beyond. He could vaguely see the shapes of a few cows out in the distance.

He pulled his sweater around him and smiled softly to himself. This place was… Warm in his chest. Everything about it screamed home especially knowing that Ronan lived here day to day. He wanted so badly for it to be his home some day. The thought made his stomach to an odd sort of twist, but he was so sure of it. More sure than he had been of anything else. It wasn’t something he could just ask of Ronan, though.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a large raven landing on the bannister in front of him. He jumped despite himself, even though he could have anticipated her arrival.

“Chainsaw,” He breathed. She cocked her head at him and flapped her wings in a jump, landing heavily on the arm of the chair. He hadn’t seen her in close to four months. He hadn’t been back to Henrietta since then, and although Ronan came to visit, he didn’t bring his pet raven with him. He told Adam it was because he didn’t want to frighten the posh college folk, but Adam suspected Chainsaw had become a bit unruly as of late. She was, after all, a wild creature, especially now that the ley line held no control over this place and Ronan didn’t have the power to dream anymore.

She seemed huge now, looking at him with her sharp black eyes. Maybe she grew, or maybe he had just forgotten how big ravens were up close. He wasn’t sure if she recognized him or not, so he reached out to her very slowly. Still, she let him stroke her feathered head.

After a few moments, she flapped her wings and he pulled back his hand. She jumped back to the bannister, looked back at him, cawed very loudly, before soaring across the yard towards the garden. She landed on a little bench Adam had overlooked upon his first glance. He stood up and followed her, since that seemed to be what she wanted, down the steps and across the yard. Out here it smelled like hay and chickens, not totally unpleasant. Chainsaw nipped under her wings as he approached. The bench underneath her was stone, and another one stood on the other side of the raised garden boxes. It had something written on it;

AURORA LYNCH MEMORIAL BENCH

He blinked at it, taking it in. He crossed the few feet to the other bench and sure enough it said;

NIALL LYNCH MEMORIAL BENCH.

Adam was a little shocked by how… Heartfelt it was. Simple, but kind. Something Ronan had put some thought into. He wasn’t sure why he was surprised, Ronan had shown on multiple occasions that he was very sincere, under several layers of sarcasm and grumpy exteriors. But still it always seemed to take Adam by surprise.

He heard the engine rev of the BMW pulling up at the front of the house. He was suddenly self conscious about being caught out here with the benches, so he hurried back towards the porch. He sat back down on the swinging chair and moments later the back door opened. Ronan stepped out, wearing a leather jacket over a black t-shirt and dirty work jeans. His hair was…

“Holy shit,” Adam said, drawing Ronan’s eyes to him, “Your hair.”

They hadn’t seen each other in about a month, Adam had decided against coming down for Thanksgiving so he could instead keep himself busy with studying. Ronan had spent the weekend in DC with Matthew and Declan. But it looked like Ronan hadn’t shaved his head in all that time, it was about an inch long now, longer than he had ever seen it.

Ronan frowned and ran a hand over his hair, “Shit. I keep forgetting to shave it.”

Adam stood and approached him. He put his arms in Ronans jacket and pulled himself close. Ronan’s hands found his back and they kissed. Adam felt all his worries seem to flood away in that moment, like he had been tense the month or so they had been apart and now he could finally relax. He pulled back and looked at him.

“I can help you.” He said.

“What?” Ronan blinked at him.

“Shave your head.”

Ronan snorted and glanced away from Adams gaze, “Fine, sure.”

He looked away too, out into the yard, before stepping back from the intimate gesture. Neither of them were very accustomed to being intimate for longer than a few moments, “The yard looks really good.”

“I’m thinking about getting a dog.”

Adam frowned, “What? Why?”

“I dunno. Big yard, nice fence, seems like a waste. A dog could chase Chainsaw around, she’s getting fat and needs the exercise. Maybe keep Opal busy.”

Chainsaw, as if summoned by her name, swooped back to the porch and landed firmly on the bannister again. Ronan grimaced at her.

“Where is Opal, anyway?” Adam asked.

“Blue’s house,” He said it like that, even though Blue no longer lived there. Ronan had told him a little bit about Opals staying with Maura and the Gray Man sometimes, but Adam couldn’t discern how Ronan felt about it.

“Let’s go inside.”

Ronan gestured to Chainsaw, who flapped over to his outstretched arm. He followed Adam into the house and let the screen door slam shut behind him. Adam went back to the front door to pick up his backpack.

“You can take your stuff up to my room,” Ronan said this casually, but he wasn’t making eye contact, instead looking at the raven, “Or, if you don’t want to stay there…”

“Please,” Adam scoffed. He started taking it upstairs before he saw the odd look on Ronan’s face. He paused and looked hard at him, “Are you okay?”

“Take your stuff upstairs,” He said calmly, “But, uh, something did happen while I was out. I need to talk to you about it.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan is approached by Adams mom in the grocery store.

It was supposed to have been a simple trip. Ronan dropped Opal off at 300 Fox Way, drove to Richmond, and then DC, and then back to Henrietta. But on his way back, he remembered he had a list of things he needed to pick up from the store before Adam got there.

So he detoured from the road back to the Barns and headed to the 24 hour grocery outlet in Henrietta, the only one he went to, because they usually had everything he could need in one convenient location. Ronan hated shopping. Not the bullship thrift store perusing he often did with Gansey and Noah, but genuinely buying things you needed in a place where lots of people could see you picking out toilet paper. It was stupid and exhausting.

Wednesday afternoon, thankfully, was quiet and moderately empty. Ronan parked as close to the building as he could and hurried inside. He knew that between the traffic to DC and this little pit stop, Adam would surely get to the Barns before he did. Luckily, Adam already had a key, but he knew using it would feel like pulling out his own teeth for Adam.

Ronan grabbed a shopping cart and tried to hurry. He had a few food items to get, but also a few things he wanted to make Adam feel more at home at the Barns. It was silly and likely futile, but Ronan wanted Adam to see the Barns as his home. He had nothing except the Dorms he lived in most of the time, no parents home to go home to, nothing but the Barns. Adam was a completely self-sufficient asshole who would probably never see the Barns as his home, his complaining when Ronan wouldn’t allow him to get a hotel room over winter break told him as much. But Ronan was gonna try anyway.

He was in the hygiene aisle, debating over what kind of shampoo to buy when a soft voice sounded from behind him.

“Excuse me?” She addressed him. He turned to look at her, and recognized her almost immediately. In truth, he had never officially met her. He’d only seen her in passing a handful of times, one of which was when she was screaming at him to stop beating the ever loving shit out of her husband. But she had almost the exact same shape and color of warm eyes as Adam did. Despite those warm eyes, he visibly tensed when he realized he was looking at Adams mom.

Ronan stared down at her. She was nearly a foot shorter than him, a very small woman who looked almost frail in the unflattering light of the grocery. She had deep set bags under her eyes, her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and looked like it hadn’t been cut in years. She looked worse then when he had seen her last, and she looked pretty bad back then, as Ronan had just brutalized her husband.

When it became clear Ronan wasn’t going to say anything, she looked away nervously before speaking again, “Ah, you’re Adams friend, aren’t you? I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.”

His stomach nearly churned when she said Adams name. He realized then that he was angry. Angry that she saw him and found it appropriate to address him in public. Angry that she was just saying Adams name like he was still her son, not someone she had helped abuse and eventually, drive away. At the same time, though, he was vexed that she approached him at all, and a little taken aback by her appearance.

“Ronan.” He said curtly, but didn’t drive her away just yet. He was curious about what she had to say, so he held his tongue against all the things rising up his throat.

“Um,” She looked so uncertain, like she also wasn’t sure why she had approached him, “I am sorry for jumping you like this, I just saw you and, ah, recognized you.”

“It’s fine,” He said, but his voice sounded hostile. Surely she heard it, but she stood her ground.

“I guess I wanted to ask you,” She said calmly, meeting his eyes, “Eight or nine months ago, Adam reached out to me, for tax information so he could apply for aid at school. I was wondering, I suppose, did he get it? The federal aid, I mean.”

He blinked at her, genuinely taken aback by her interest, “Uh, yeah. He just finished his first semester at UPenn.”

A warm smile broke out across her face, and Ronan felt some of his anger dissipate. This was such an odd experience, he couldn’t believe he was having it. But this was a mom who really was happy for her son, past be damned.

“Oh, good,” She sighed, “I am so glad. You know, he’s the first person in our entire family to go to college. I’m so proud of him.”

Ronan felt a twinge again, but he couldn’t really call it anger. Remorse, maybe, that this woman was delusional enough to be proud of a son who didn’t give a shit anymore if she was proud of him. When Ronan didn’t immediately reply, she began speaking again.

“I don’t know if you keep in contact with him, or anything, but I was wondering… If you see him, could you tell him something for me?”

Ronan hesitated, “Can’t promise anything, but shoot.”

“Can you tell him that I’ve left his father?”

Ronan felt like his feet had been swiped out from underneath him. Whatever he had been expecting her to say, it wasn’t that. Now he swept his eyes back over her face and reconsidered her face. What he initially thought was bags under her eyes was now, obviously, at least one black eye a few weeks into healing.

Okay.

“I…” He stuttered, “Uh, yeah. If I see him, I’ll let him know.”

She offered him a warm smile, “Thank you, Ronan.”

Then she walked away.

\--

Ronan traced over the story with Adam only after he had brought in his bags and begun unpacking them. Ronan stood in the doorway of the master bedroom and started the story while Adam placed his folded clothing in the drawer Ronan had emptied for him. By the time he concluded his story, Adam was sitting on the bed with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Wow,” Adam finally breathed after a few long moments of silence.

“I’m sorry,” Ronan said automatically, “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”

“No, I’m glad you did.” Adam stood up and crossed his arms. He did this thing when he was thinking hard where he refused to meet Ronan’s eyes, instead he stared at the floor like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen, “I don’t… Know what to take from this.”

Ronan kept quiet. He wasn’t sure what to take from it either. She had seemed so authentically proud of Adam when she found out he had just finished his first semester at school, so authentic in her desire for any news. Ronan wondered if it was possible for Adam to reconcile with her, and he found himself oddly hopeful for it.

“Like, she’ll go back, right?” Adam said suddenly. Ronan snapped back to reality and found Adam now looking at him, a thin frown on his face.

“What?”

“She’ll go back to my dad.” Adam said it like a question he already knew the answer to.

“Why do you think that?”

Adam sighed, “C’mon Ronan, those are the statistics. This is the first time she’s left my dad, women don’t just leave on the first try. It takes six or seven times for women to get out of a domestic violence thing.”

“How do you know?”

“What?”

Ronan frowned back, “How do you know this is the first time she’s left him? You’ve been no contact for over a year and a half. Plenty of time for her to sort out her shit.”

Adam opened his mouth, but couldn’t seem to find his words. So he closed it again.

“I’m not saying you have to forgive her or whatever,” Ronan continued and tried to keep his voice low, like he didn’t care as much as he really did, “But maybe it would be worth reaching out, seeing what she has to say. She looked like shit.”

He rolled his eyes, “I almost don’t care.”

“Sounds like bullshit to me.”

Adam stood up, and anger flashed over his face, “Not to be dramatic Ronan, but you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

Anger flared in Ronans stomach now, an unpleasant feeling, “Like hell I don’t. Have I not been here with you since day one?”

“Day one? You mean, what, beating the shit out of my dad and giving me no choice except to leave home?”

Ronan’s mouth click audibly shut at that. Regret washed over Adams face as soon as the words were out, but he also didn’t jump to take them back. Ronan watched him with a level gaze, trying to keep the hurt out of his expression. Like a secret savior, his phone buzzed from his pocket. He pulled it out and answered it without looking at the screen.

“Yeah?” He asked, not taking his eyes off of Adam.

“Hey Ronan,” Maura’s oblivious and happy voice rocked Ronan out of his solid stance, and he finally looked away to he could focus on it, “Opal helped me around the house today and now she’s… Well, she crashed out on my couch.”

“I’ll come get her.” He said, turning to leave the room. He didn’t look back at Adam as he made his way down the stairs, “Thanks for taking her off my hands today.”

“No problem. I know Adam came back today, so I gave Dean strict instructions to give you guys some private time.”

Ronan shunted the phone to his shoulder as he went to pull on his jacket. He didn’t want to talk about Adam so he changed the subject again, “Remind me when Blue is coming in?”

“Friday. She and Henry are coming by plane at noon, Gansey is driving down in the Camaro and will arrive sometime Sunday. You’re sure you don’t mind picking them up from the airport?”

“Yeah, it’s no problem. See you soon.”

He hung up and looked up the stairs. Adam hadn’t moved from where he was standing, likely. He’d heard Ronan say he was heading out to pick up Opal, so he decided not to waste any more breath on it. Really, he wasn’t sure he could face Adam after a bomb like that. So he grabbed his keys in a fist and headed out the door. It took all of his effort not to slam it behind him.


End file.
